✨ Am I a Bad Person?

I need bristle ·

Aunt cyn has tasked blue ⸴ glenn ⸴ mutt ⸴ and myself with watching the healing house while she prepares for a ritual she wants to cast at the dragonfall gathering this sambata · Doing so was no problem for any of us ⸴ and we all easily took it in turns ⸴ covering for one another when we were otherwise occupied or unavailable · 

But i confess to a degree of distraction · With my failure to reach out to any of the diseased animals back on kalinthas last month ⸴ and the hesitation i had felt since the magics᾿ change and my severe injury last summer ⸴ i was afraid i was losing the whisperers᾿ path · Or at the very least ⸴ not making as much progress as i wanted · I was not supposed to be at the healing house until midday today ⸴ which meant i had the morning to work out how to reach my previous contact ⸴ bristle ⸴ the dryad who set me on the path in the first place · Sending mail would be almost impossible ⸴ as hidden as the whisperers᾿ conclave was ፥ and even dreaming was unreliable · No ⸴ it would have to be through the whispering itself - through our animal friends ·

My first thought was that a bird would be best suited to sending a message ⸴ if one would agree to do so · So i passed out of the gate exiting valbrough and began walked toward one of my usual haunts for meditating · Almost immediately i saw a robin fly out of the forest ⸴ but not toward me · It landed on the ground ⸴ examining some of the small twigs and stems ⸴ then flew back up to the nearest tree and looked over the ends of leafy branches · ፠You this one greets፠ i sent cautiously through the whispering ⸴ knowing that even that form of spirit-to-spirit communication startles some animals · 

The robin however either knew of me ⸴ or was too distracted to be alarmed · She chirped at me but sent no reply back along the connexion · Instead she snapped a tiny twig off of the tree ⸴ flew down where she had been before ⸴ picked up the rest of the debris in her beak ⸴ and flew a short way into the forest · I followed ⸴ concernedly wondering why she might need such construction materials · My concern was proven right when i reached the ash tree where the she-robin was already at work again · 

This part of the forest showed all the signs of the recent rainstorm that had blown through ⸴ and the original nest was terribly damaged almost to the point of being unsalvageable · Instinctively i started looking around ⸴ wondering if there was anything my eyes could see that the robin could not · Beneath a thickly-leaved raspberry bush ⸴ i spied several portions of bark ⸴ chipped pieces of wood ⸴ and some of the fallen hooked raspberry twigs as well · Carefully reaching under the bush (but still getting scratched up in the process) ⸴ i grabbed some of the more good-looking pieces and then stood up slowly ⸴ reaching out for the bird᾿s attention ⸴ ፠These for-aid you this one offers፠ · The robin turned ⸴ sang happily ⸴ and flew over to pluck them out of my palm ⸴ sending back a quick ፠You this one thanks፠ before getting right back to work ·

I felt pleased to assist and didn᾿t want to bother her any further ⸴ but since i was already in the woods it was likely i might find someone else who could relay a message for me · Just as i thought this ⸴ i almost felt something overhead ⸴ but when i turned to look in the sky i could not see anything · So i continued to reach out casually ⸴ opening myself up to the trees and its denizens · From my left came an answering gateway ⸴ a response to my whispering ⸴ and i followed it to an ancient oak ⸴ finding in short order the owl that was reaching out to me · He moved as if to flap his wings ⸴ but one did not open quite right · ፠Wrong something is፠You to find this one᾿s trouble this one asks፠ as he awkwardly glided down ⸴ instinctively flapping a few times but the sense of pain coming to me as he did ·

It was obviously the left wing ⸴ fractured - not an uncommon injury among owls ⸴ but certainly something that needed to be treated quickly to prevent the owl from permanently losing his ability to fly · Fortunately this fracture did not look severe ⸴ which would have required me to bring the owl back to either my inn room in onothera or the healer᾿s guild in valbrough so that i could insert a pin · My taming bag had the necessary fabric to attach a splint ⸴ and as i carefully treated the bird i sent along our connexion ፠For a nine-day this healing must remain፠With some prey this evening i return፠

፠Not to return you need፠For this one my mate hunts፠You this one thanks፠

፠You this one understands፠You to a branch this one returns፠ i acceded ⸴ and so did the owl ⸴ letting me carefully return him to the tree · He hooted aloud and watched me as i ventured further in the same direction for a time · Then ⸴ just as a i reached a clearing in the middle of the trees ⸴ i felt something above me again ·

I looked up again ⸴ and this time i did see the hawk · She had been circling ⸴ presumably watching me ⸴ and she regally descended and landed in front of me ⸴ flaring her wings as she touched down · Her deep amber eyes connected with mine far quicker than any bird i᾿d ever reached through the whispering ⸴ and it was to be honest a little unsettling · 

Unbidden ⸴ memories of my whole life᾿s story raced through the back of my mind - like the hawk was reading it ⸴ and me not quite able to register the thoughts · This felt like a baring of my spirit ⸴ revealing all of the good and all of the bad i᾿d ever done ⸴ and i absently wondered if this hawk was more than just a mere bird of prey · Then she squawked hoarsely and puffed out her chest ⸴ the feathers below her neck ruffling in an almost formal manner · ፠Your for-bristle message this one takes፠ i heard through the whispering ·

፠You this one thanks፠ i sent along our connexion ⸴ but before i could tell her what the message itself was ⸴ she physically nodded - again an unsettling thing for a bird to do - and flew away ⸴ the last communication i felt being ፠Your message this one knows፠

Puzzled ⸴ but still somewhat relieved ⸴ i remained there alone in the field in thought for a ghurry ⸴ before deciding i should get back to begin my daily duties · I walked back toward valbrough and returned to the healing house ⸴ arriving just shortly before highsun ·

Upon stepping into the healers᾿ guild ⸴ i saw a few healers including blue and politely nodded a hello before moving over to a chair by my makeshift cot at the end of the patients᾿ beds · When blue saw me she practically jumped up and visibly had to stop herself from running over to finish what she was doing · Visibly to others ⸴ i mean · I was barely set down with my journal before i realised that blue was making her way over and she finally got to me · «ilarion ። Y-you know animals right ፧ You practically talk to birds ⸴ the evil things · · ·»

Her nose scrunched up and i could tell she was agitated ⸴ so i smiled and tried to put her at ease · «Aye ⸴ blue ⸴ i speak to the animals · Sometimes they even speak back · Although most of the birds i speak with are songbirds ⸴ they᾿re more talkative than the predators · Are you · · · seeking a message ⸴ or seeking to send one ፧»

She reached up and pulled a red feather out from behind her ear ⸴ presumably trying to hand it to me but nearly striking me in the face ⸴ though to my credit the only flinching i did was to blink several times · «What bird is this from ፧» she asked with a clear note of fear in her voice and terror on her face ⸴ before letting out another breath · 

It took me a moment before i could focus on the feather itself · As i peered at it ⸴ i reached out and arched an eyebrow to ask permission to take it ⸴ and blue willingly surrendered it · I examined it gingerly but quickly ⸴ noting out of the corner of my eye that she was hopping foot to foot impatiently · «It᾿s too large to be a finch or a songbird ⸴» i told her musingly · «Possibly a cardinal ፧ Though it᾿d have to be a well-grown one ⸴ and a male · Or an ibis but they aren᾿t native to this part of dragonreach · · · ·» 

I frowned thoughtfully ⸴ then shook my head to clear it and handed the feather back to blue · «Where did it come from ፧ Or ⸴» an abstract thought entered my mind ⸴ « · · ·from who ፧»

Blue flinched at my last question · «I am hoping it᾿s a thing not a who ⸴» she said · «I was doing my rounds with the kin building up around mathis᾿s tower and there was some odd reports i thought to try and look into · I figured some kin are a little rattled in the head from things and wanted to verify tales they told of two red orbs on the south end of the city · There are kin missing from their homes there and i found this feather · · ·» she squirmed uncomfortably for a second before she resumed her tale · «It was just kinda · · · on the tree · Not under or sitting in a branch like it dropped or ripped like it was caught from someone hitting the tree and it pulled out · More like put there ·»

The abstract thought finished coalescing and i remembered some of the history that blue and 13 had both told me ⸴ and i understood finally why my friend was so very on-edge · «You᾿re afraid that this might be · · · a biata feather ፧»

«Yeah · · · and worse · Red orbs mean a death knight ·» I wrinkled my forehead in confusion ⸴ having never heard of such a thing ⸴ but didn᾿t interrupt · «Death knights don᾿t get made out of thin air ·  there᾿s also just the weirdness of how these kin disappeared · No struggle ⸴ just looks like they walked off after making supper ·» She shook her head just as i had moments ago · «That makes no sense though ·  kin never just leave food · We know starving to well for that ·»

«Death knights certainly sound alarming but i᾿m afraid i᾿m not familiar with them · But it may not necessarily be death knights · · ·» i mused ⸴ somewhat wanting to calm her even though part of what i was about to say probably wouldn᾿t assuage her fears · «Biata have certain mental abilities ፥ is it possible they mind-controlled these kin to simply walk away ፧ To be fair ⸴ i᾿m not sure whether that or the death knights is more alarming to you given what you᾿ve already been through ·»

«Charm spells might make them walk away too ⸴» blue was also thinking along the same lines as me · «I᾿m completely guessing on the death knight part · I᾿ve heard people talk about them and mention the first thing you see is red glowing eyes which isn᾿t a stretch to red orbs · I have never seen one though · I am concerned that a biata would get so close to kin though · I don᾿t like any of this ·»

«Nor i ⸴» i assured her · «I᾿m not completely familiar with the history of the freyguard and the tense kyn-biata relations ⸴ but i know enough that if red-feathered biata are nosing about ⸴ it᾿s probably not for anything good ·» Steeling my expression to reassure her ⸴ i promised ⸴ «i᾿ll protect you as best i can ⸴ i hope it goes without saying · And i᾿ll accompany you the next time you want to go check this out ·» She gave me a smile ⸴ so i pushed a little further with another suggestion · «But ⸴ have you considered asking sy what he knows ፧ Or if he could help you build a mental block to protect against other biata ፧»

Though i understood why ⸴ i was a little disheartened that her smile fell immediately · «No · Never letting another biata near enough to do such things ever · I will rip their throats out with my teeth first ·»

I put a hand out in midair to indicate my understanding and calm her down again · «That is a completely fair statement and i respect it · You need not go talk to him ⸴ then · However with your permission ⸴ when i see him on dragonfall eve i might ask him in a general sense about all of this ·»

Blue thought about it ⸴ even though she obviously didn᾿t like the idea · Finally she said ⸴ «you are a free person ilarion · If you want to talk to sy then go ahead · If you get any funny feelings though start singing the most annoying song you know in your head though ·»

I tried not to smile and just nodded · «Understood · I trust him completely ⸴ but it never hurts to be cautious · There᾿s a song in the old reed dryad language about seaweed that i think i could fill my brain with · Just promise me you won᾿t go investigate anymore about this without backup · Whether it᾿s me or someone else ·»

«That i can certainly promise» blue answered with a nod as well ⸴ before frowning · «Although i am at a slight loss on who to ask · I mean mathis or cyn might know but they also might scare off things cause bigger and such · I᾿m at a loss of who to talk to · I mean it is on mathis᾿s lands here technically ·  Ugh ·»

«Then i᾿d say ⸴ wait for me · We᾿ll go on dragonfall eve and check it out · See if thudd can come too ⸴ and i might see if any of my familia are going to be around as well ·»

«Hmm ⸴ maybe · Thudd i don᾿t think knows the meaning of retreat but i᾿m not about to be picky · I know mutt will be about so maybe she can come and help · I also have to see to some things first and mathis should know about things just to be safe · Hoarding information is never good ·”

«We just have to make sure someone is still here ⸴» i gestured at the healing house around us ⸴ «unless aunt cyn is back by then ·»

«She said she would be · We might want to wait for light anyway ⸴ can investigate easier when you can see ·”

Since my own vision is still significantly impaired ⸴ i nodded emphatically and i᾿m sure she got the humour behind it · But then i began to recall my experience with the hawk and i felt confused and a little sad all over again · Still ⸴ the people i talk to most about my personal issues are aunt cyn and blue ⸴ so since the opportunity had presented itself · · · «Blue ⸴ can i ask you an odd question ፧»

«You can always ask ⸴ i reserve the right not to answer ·”

«Am · · · Am i a bad person ፧»

Blue looked puzzled · «I think this requires context and a better definition of bad person ·”

I snorted out a laugh ⸴ and it made me smile a little · «I · · · hmm · How to put this · Sometimes being able to speak with animals the way i do ⸴ finding that place where our spirits connect ⸴ it᾿s not just about communication · It lends itself to baring a part of your soul ⸴ or all of it · I had to send a message today ⸴ which is why i came in so late · And the messenger i finally found · · · while we were connected ⸴ i just felt feelings bubbling up · Weighing my good and my bad · And it got me thinking about whether i᾿ve ever done anything that made me totally irredeemable · I᾿m sorry · If this is too heavy to talk about it we don᾿t have to · I᾿d normally confide in aunt cyn but · · ·»

«Nonsense ⸴ this isn᾿t just a topic for big people after all here ⸴» blue said waving her hand · «I think it᾿s something we all deal with ⸴ wondering if we aren᾿t turning into monsters like bleak from cyn᾿s tales · He was originally just a scared kid she said after all · Everyone has done things they might not have the most pride in or that makes them question if they are a good person · I can however say you definitely are one ilarion ·»  Blue gave me another big smile · «Know how i know that ፧»

«i have a suspicion ⸴ but i᾿d rather hear it from you · And bear in mind i once called you a dog-kyn ⸴ so you might reconsider whether i᾿m a good person or not ⸴» i joked ·

It made blue laugh ⸴ which had been my intention · «that᾿s just a mistake ·  anyways ⸴ you are still a good person because you are stopping and asking if you are one ·  when you don᾿t stop and think about it then you might be turning into a jerk ·  case in point look at naomi and zane ·  they actually claim to be monsters and some folks might agree ⸴ yet naomi isn᾿t ignoring laws and is still trying to help dragonreach instead of being like ᾿fuck this i᾿m a dragon᾿ ·  zane tries to help direct and teach younger folks so that we can carry on for him and picks people up instead of being all ᾿fuck you all i᾿m a bear rawr᾿ ·»  Blue made appropriate claws and teeth baring for each statement · «they aren᾿t really monsters ·  they might have issues but they are still good ·  not like the monsters i grew up around ·»  

«That᾿s · · · a really good point actually ⸴» i admitted · «I hadn᾿t thought about it like that · Thank you blue ·»

«You᾿re welcome ⸴» blue beamed a bit · «Glad i helped ·»

And then off she went ⸴ back over to the seat where she had been working on a drawing of some kind · I just stayed in my own seat and stared off into the distance for a while ⸴ my gaze slowly and inevitably being drawn to the nearest window where i could watch the sky · Somewhere in that expanse ⸴ a very wise hawk was hopefully delivering a message for me ⸴ so that -- while i was trying to help my friends -- someone could come and help me ·